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Still Alive
2024-04-21 12:26 pmSo, I kind of fell off the face of the internet there, didn’t I? Long story short: I am not good with important exams to a worrying degree. Explains some things about the burnout that triggered my downwards spiral that lasted for over ten years, in retrospect.
The slightly longer version is I had the first part of the final exam at the end of February and spent the entire month learning for it (and even booked a hotel room because public transport can be a tad unreliable here). So far so good. Took lorazepam for the exam itself (because I wasn’t taking any chances after two panic-related breakdowns in earlier exams). Thought it went okay. Then, half an hour later, I realised I got most of the calculations wrong, because exam brain. Plus, it was mostly sysadmin stuff (with a dash of business stuff), because this exam was for like five different jobs. Usually, there’s a lot of programmer-related questions, but this time there were none. Then, once the stress finally levelled off in the evening, I just started doom-spiralling, badly. Got convinced I got less then a passing grade, etc. Lessons resumed the next day, so there was no time to process anything properly. The mental low-pressure area continued to haunt me for weeks. What I needed to put it all behind me was the result, which I finally received on Friday, after seven weeks and two days (result: okay). And during all that time, my internship started and during my brief Easter holiday I had a minor health scare (posterior vitreous detachment – so far harmless) and a family reunion to deal with, so extra stress.
This taught me a valuable lesson for November, though. I already plan on not meeting my![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
getyourwordsout target and I’m not going to do NaNo, because parts two and three of the final exam are going to be at the end of November, and there’s going to be a lot of stress regarding the documentation and project work (part four) around that time as well. But I do want to do yuletide. This means I’ll likely offer movies and other short canons instead of my usual slate of dramas, and I’ll adjust my expectations regarding the length of the fic I’ll write.
The slightly longer version is I had the first part of the final exam at the end of February and spent the entire month learning for it (and even booked a hotel room because public transport can be a tad unreliable here). So far so good. Took lorazepam for the exam itself (because I wasn’t taking any chances after two panic-related breakdowns in earlier exams). Thought it went okay. Then, half an hour later, I realised I got most of the calculations wrong, because exam brain. Plus, it was mostly sysadmin stuff (with a dash of business stuff), because this exam was for like five different jobs. Usually, there’s a lot of programmer-related questions, but this time there were none. Then, once the stress finally levelled off in the evening, I just started doom-spiralling, badly. Got convinced I got less then a passing grade, etc. Lessons resumed the next day, so there was no time to process anything properly. The mental low-pressure area continued to haunt me for weeks. What I needed to put it all behind me was the result, which I finally received on Friday, after seven weeks and two days (result: okay). And during all that time, my internship started and during my brief Easter holiday I had a minor health scare (posterior vitreous detachment – so far harmless) and a family reunion to deal with, so extra stress.
This taught me a valuable lesson for November, though. I already plan on not meeting my
getyourwordsout target and I’m not going to do NaNo, because parts two and three of the final exam are going to be at the end of November, and there’s going to be a lot of stress regarding the documentation and project work (part four) around that time as well. But I do want to do yuletide. This means I’ll likely offer movies and other short canons instead of my usual slate of dramas, and I’ll adjust my expectations regarding the length of the fic I’ll write.
